Thorntree-Forum

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@StillWithUs :
If you are so worried that I am posting this anonymously, gosh, write me a private message, ask for my name, ask for my phone number, give me a call if it makes you feel better. Ask for the email adresses of the people who were there. You can have them.
The police made me drop the charge. Thats for pursuing justice and safety through appropriate legal channels. I didn't really want to write about any of this because it was really no ones business, but well, what the hell. That night I was drunk out of my mind and took home one of the Lao boys, who was actually the other guy's cousin. He was cute and good looking but to be honest I do not have a clue as to why I did it, because I didn't that much want to. So if you read the Lonely Planet about Laos and actually manage to remember the important bits- well there's this law against sexual relations between non married Lao and Falang. So as I actually had read that part but forgotten all about it, I endured 3 hours at the police office, being treated like some sl*t, being looked at like some piece of meat and not understanding anything about what I could do, anything about Lao law, because the guy who actually could speak some English wasn't particukarly good at explaining legal matters. I did understand in the end that I could get him into prison for 6 months but would have to stay here 10 days for the trial or whatever, 10 more days of being completely on my own, fighting for something that I really didn't want to be fightng for at that point already. So the other option was to make him pay, which I eventually agreed to because I thought that this might at least hurt him a bit and make him think about doing it again. Only when we went to the „court room“( consisting of some tables and chairs and benches) to settle the whole thing they pulled out charges against me, like some magicians pulling out their rabbits out of the magic hat. They must have just completely forgotten to tell me about that before, but when they finally remembered, they couldn't seem to tell me often enough how you just didn't walk around and f*ck Lao people like that (those words precisely) and how it was such a serious crime. So of course I didn't sign. I didn't want to be the one ending up being prosecuted, so I dropped all my charges. I left feeling that if I was a Samurai I would stick a knife in my stomach because they had made me lose my face so badly.
So, no, I didn't manage to get any kind of retribution. Him, he must have gone home exhilarated . The only one who got punished as in publicly humiliated that day was me, which I really didn't feel was very fair after all the sh*t I had endured the night before.
And before you ask, I do think I made it quite clear that I wasn't exactly as easy as he thought I was and that just because i had had sex with one person didn't mean I would let the rest of the world have a go. I think that became quite clear when I tried to push him out of my room and started punching him and yelling at him and eventually crying and sobbing and pleading when he just grabbed me and tried to take me by force.
And for the locals recommending it: I do not have a clue as to why they did it. I only know they did. I do not have a clue how their legal system works or how their societies work and they have a hard time explaining it. I really don't have any clue in the world.
And thank you very much, I didn' t really know how this all could get any worse, but being called a sociopath, well, I guess this really did the trick. I do think you have a valid point but I really don't understand what makes people lose basic manners just because they are writing on the internet.
I really wish I would have never started this thread just as much as I wished I had never gone to the police. Trust me, I would be so much better for it . And after all, who knows, he might even never target another girl again, maybe he just did that to the sl*t who had it coming.
oh ok and as I see the next questions coming: the short version of how it all happened. because obviously if i dont put out all the details I can only be a troll. We were drinking with some Western and some Laos people and yes, rather excessive drinking and I was flirting with that Lao guy. Then we went to some girls guesthouse, sat around, drank even more, I had the Lao guy giving me massages and then we just disappeared together. We went to my bungalow, which he said was his aunties. On the way we passed some guys sitting around at the guesthouses eating place, smoking and the guy I was with talked to them for a bit. Then we went to my room. Afterwards I just wantd to sleep and be left alone so I asked him to go. I heard him go outside and then talk to some people/some person but didn't think about that, I just thought he was bragging and couldn't be bothered. I really needed the bathroom, so after I he had gone, I got up, grabbed a towel. He was still there and so was another guy. I just said hi and went to have a piss. When I came back only my guy was there. I had a short chat and said good night. I went back to my bungalow, where I had left the door open (as I said, because there was no way to close that door from the outside). I had a torch and I had a weird feeling so I lit up the room and I saw this guy lying on my bed. At that moment I wasnt scared but just annoyd and told him to get out of there. he said it was his place, so he could be wherever hewanted to be and that he'd call the police if I didnt let him. i told him it was my room and i was paying for him and he should just get out. then i just grabbed him and tried to shove him out of the door, but he wouldnt move. i started punching him, but not really strongly, because i still didn't realize that i was actually in a dangerous situation and i jsut wanted him to understand i was being serious. I was just annoyed. It was only when he grabbed my wrists and my towel came off and i started fighting him and found out i was too parallzed to actually really do anything that well i realized i was in the sh*t. so i strated panicking and sobbing and fighting him at the same time, telling him to get out, to get out. but he wouldnt and he didnt let go. and then my friends started banging against my door. so he let go and ran for it. i couldnt open the door, because i was on the floor crying and unable to get up. my friends then ran round the balcony to the back door.
i think i have told all the rest of the story already. this is really my last attempt at being taking serious, but if you are still convinced it is a fake tell me what on earth I should be doing to prove the opposite.

Antworten/Reaktionen:


Sabaidee Lilaia,Thank you very much for the warning. It's shocking and I'm very sorry for your horrible experience. I don't understand why the villagers claim that they can't do much because it's at the village level that decisions are made. Were you able to speak to the nie-bahn or village chief? It's within the town's interest to protect their reputation. But perhaps after your warning (the first I seem to remember on this forum about an attempted sexual assualt by a local Lao), that it may yet get back to Moung Ngoi and they will be forced to confront the situation. I hope.I'll let some of my Luang Prabang friends know since some of the daughters of a Moung Ngoi guesthouse now goes to school in LP.Once again, sorry for your terrible experience and I hope it's taken care of.

Was kind of shocked when I first read this. Just always thought such a thing never happened in Laos. Rape knows no borders - of course. Just seems - to me a male - not a Lao crime. Thank you for your posting lilaia. VERY brave...

Yes, thank you for the info. This indeed an unimaginable crime and this nutter needs to go to jail. I think if you contact the higher up official be it village chief or perhaps your embassy to warning their traveling citizens.


Bummer, if true.But I have to query - troll? First time poster, and it explicitly condemns a single business. If you wanted to hurt this guesthouse, this seems like a cruel and effective ploy.The law, not Thorntree, is where to address such an issue (esp. with the name of the criminal....


And if you're wong about the OP being a troll? Don't you think an sexual assualt or even the attempt of one warrants a warning to other women?

Doesn't sound like a troll.

Just always thought such a thing never happened in Laos.Are you serious?

I think it's a troll ... for what it's worth.
C'mon Hanuman. Because I see the first time post as a potential (and very effective) troll, therefore I support sexual assault? What a silly conclusion... Should I automatically believe this anonymous first time poster merely because the subject is serious?What if 'm right and some troll ruins an innocent person's business? Is this the appropriate forum for anonymous people to ruin people's non-anonymous businesses? Read the last line of his/her post and decide for yourself. I just bring up the possibility that this person is trying to ruin a business (but not pursue justice and safety for others through appropriate legal channels). What - the locals really recommended writing this on Thorn Tree (as opposed to pursuing justice?) If you were an Lao elder or policeman in MNN would you pursue justice and retribution by recommending a post on Thorn Tree? Riiigggggghhhhhht. And, Phil, exactly what do trolls (and sociopaths) sound like? Especially if they're good at it.C'mon Hanuman. Because I see the first time post as a potential (and very effective) troll, therefore I support sexual assault? What a silly conclusion... Should I automatically believe this anonymous first time poster merely because the subject is serious?What if 'm right and some troll ruins an innocent person's business? Is this the appropriate forum for anonymous people to ruin people's non-anonymous businesses? Read the last line of his/her post and decide for yourself. I just bring up the possibility that this person is trying to ruin a business (but not pursue justice and safety for others through appropriate legal channels). What - the locals really recommended writing this on Thorn Tree (as opposed to pursuing justice?) If you were an Lao elder or policeman in MNN would you pursue justice and retribution by recommending a post on Thorn Tree? Riiigggggghhhhhht. And, Phil, exactly what do trolls (and sociopaths) sound like? Especially if they're good at it.C'mon Hanuman. Because I see the first time post as a potential (and very effective) troll, therefore I support sexual assault? What a silly conclusion... Should I automatically believe this anonymous first time poster merely because the subject is serious?What if 'm right and some troll ruins an innocent person's business? Is this the appropriate forum for anonymous people to ruin people's non-anonymous businesses? Read the last line of his/her post and decide for yourself. I just bring up the possibility that this person is trying to ruin a business (but not pursue justice and safety for others through appropriate legal channels). What - the locals really recommended writing this on Thorn Tree (as opposed to pursuing justice?) If you were an Lao elder or policeman in MNN would you pursue justice and retribution by recommending a post on Thorn Tree? Riiigggggghhhhhht. And, Phil, exactly what do trolls (and sociopaths) sound like? Especially if they're good at it.C'mon Hanuman. Because I see the first time post as a potential (and very effective) troll, therefore I support sexual assault? What a silly conclusion... Should I automatically believe this anonymous first time poster merely because the subject is serious?What if 'm right and some troll ruins an innocent person's business? Is this the appropriate forum for anonymous people to ruin people's non-anonymous businesses? Read the last line of his/her post and decide for yourself. I just bring up the possibility that this person is trying to ruin a business (but not pursue justice and safety for others through appropriate legal channels). What - the locals really recommended writing this on Thorn Tree (as opposed to pursuing justice?) If you were an Lao elder or policeman in MNN would you pursue justice and retribution by recommending a post on Thorn Tree? Riiigggggghhhhhht. And, Phil, exactly what do trolls (and sociopaths) sound like? Especially if they're good at it.C'mon Hanuman. Because I see the first time post as a potential (and very effective) troll, therefore I support sexual assault? What a silly conclusion... Should I automatically believe this anonymous first time poster merely because the subject is serious?What if 'm right and some troll ruins an innocent person's business? Is this the appropriate forum for anonymous people to ruin people's non-anonymous businesses? Read the last line of his/her post and decide for yourself. I just bring up the possibility that this person is trying to ruin a business (but not pursue justice and safety for others through appropriate legal channels). What - the locals really recommended writing this on Thorn Tree (as opposed to pursuing justice?) If you were an Lao elder or policeman in MNN would you pursue justice and retribution by recommending a post on Thorn Tree? Riiigggggghhhhhht. And, Phil, exactly what do trolls (and sociopaths) sound like? Especially if they're good at it.

Well lilaia - so it goes. I do beleive you. Buddhism is such an important part of Lao life & I work very hard at trying to make Buddhism a major part of life for me. Can't find a place for this whole thing in my life (I have experiecned death bigtime). Troll you are not. Thanks much for this eye-opener on many levels. Go forward & trust Buddha for your guide...

Why didn't your friends grab him when they nearly kicked your door in and why haven't they identified him?

Now then NormC, no need to get pragmatic.

It just worries me that, what with everyone around her door, that they do not detain the man. She also does not seem to readily identify him and I ask why is that. Was excessive drink involved? I suppose that is why some may think that it is a troll.

Well now we have a lot more facts we can understand the story better. Took a lot of courage to write that!

I think you should have stopped at your prior post to this one! It is just getting crazier each time to add more to it.

"I had the Lao guy giving me massages and then we just disappeared together."Magic.

*this is really my last attempt at being taking serious, but if you are still convinced it is a fake tell me what on earth I should be doing to prove the opposite*We're all anonymous here; no one needs to, or can, prove anything. Our beliefs regarding anyone's truthfulness, or heartfelt emotional effort to heal, is irrelevant. You could be writing fiction - indeed, we all could - or could be seeking solace, revenge, or healing. Seeking out all our deep truths I will leave to Oprah.I mean no offense to the OP, but this is a weird place to seek validation for a violent, harrowing, and unfortunately all too predictable (as the intimate details are revealed), experience.Assuming you are the victim of such an event (and the truth is you may or may not be - and I really can't know, either way), I would recommend counseling with someone other than anonymous Thorn Tree posters like myself or the empathetic mrmookie.

I do feel sorrow for you & yes Thonphan is an as8hole, However, you loose sympathy point with me being a ingenuous naïve foreigner and sex up with the local Lao boy while drunk.I hope you change your life style for a better future.

Dear Lilaia, Please believe me when I say I am truly sorry for your horrific experience. You seem to have the latest victim of the TT Mafia. These are the people who never drink to excess, never have sex with strangers, and basically do nothing wrong at all in their perfect lives. They are also incredibly wise about what you should have done after the event. I appreciate the warning to other people. Thank you.

I had a similar situation but with a Lao Girl who just would not let me out of my room :-)

If questioning authenticity (and no one but the OP has accused anyone of anything) on an anonymous posting at a public forum that does get its share of trolls is defined as abuse, we're all in trouble. I do hope the OP can see the generalized concerns with the nature of anonymous posts that condemn specific businesses or individuals. The contact button at the bottom of the page will get you to a moderator, if any exist anymore.

Dear ribblerat, I'm glad you find rape so amusing. Nice.


Thanks for posting lilaia, your story will help other female travellers. And the fact that you drank too much and took someone back to your room does not mean you invite a sexual assault.ignore the sad old sacks who regualarly drink too much and hang around the internet forums to take shots at people.Please don't have the post removed. It puts them in a bad light not you.

Ah yes beautiful quit pristine muang ngoi...I lived 3 months in the village this summer and there were more people complaining about him. He took 5 medical students for Paris on a tour, they had funding from the university and brought medicines but all were complaining afterwards about him, didn't help them find the village heads, generally disinterested and didn't show up with promised boat. We saw Thongpan's nephew Sai as a tourguide on the forum before (It was a topic called "be careful when choosing a trekking guide in Muang Ngoi!" but I cannot find it anymore, maybe some other member can post the link if it's still there) Shitty this happened to you, altough my sources in Muang Ngoi tell me the whole village was talking about it after you left, everybody knew because Thongpan had been called to Nong Kiau by the police.

the fact that you drank too much and took someone back to your room does not mean you invite a sexual assault" Absolutely true. But it is pushing the bounds of good judgement, and it does set one up to be the victim of a violent crime. Having money hanging out of one's pocket doesn't excuse robbery, but it sure lures the criminal.Mix it all up with the complexities of cross-cultural interactions and interpretations of flirting behaviors only fuels the potential for misunderstandings (esp. among the very drunk). Add to the soup the fact that western women in most conservative countries and cultures are often perceived (albeit inappropriately) as loose and available (especially when wearing short shorts or a tank-top, or no bra). Like it or not, that's how many western women, in their innocence and naivete, are perceived world-wide, and a wise traveler should be aware of cultural perceptions, the misinterpretation of flirting behaviors, and "playing with the line" between friendship and sexual innuendo. The lilyprincesses of the world may be shocked to find out that culturally, perhaps, the elders of MNN may have seen this as the inevitable outcome of western lack of morals and proper behavior on the part of the woman involved. I'm not in any way agreeing with the elders, but I do acknowlegde that flirting and sex, esp involving westerners, is perceived exceedingly differently in non-western cultures. No excuse for the criminal - absolutely. But I might guess that the locals perceived the event differently than how we in the west might perceive the crime.Lots of warnings to gleen in this tragic story.

Stillwithus, I could do without your blasé and cynical comments. You can't judge the difference between a real and a fake story but you post like you know it all. Anyway. Thongpan is an asshole. Your friends should have kicked the shit out of him.
Your bombed out of your mind and engaging in sex with locals all the while you are in a bungelow as a single female in the middle of the night in a developing country in a remote village that has a door that does not lock?Your friends fail to hold and seek authorities, and got to police and let it all slide in the end. But, you come to this forum and tell half a story, then the whole story, then hope this warning should be heeded by other women traveling to this area, and guesthouse?Thanks for the heads up, but I think you need to exercise more caution in your sexual romps while in developing countries, thank god you were not drugged, or worse kidnapped and sold into the sex slave trade.

*I could do without your cynical comments*Then don't read them. Sheeesh. *You can't judge the difference between a real and a fake story*Exactly. Troll, or not? Truth as in the original post? Or truth as shaded by the facts that are slowly fed to us? You and I are both just wasting time on the sidelines, commenting on what little we know. Sure, bust his head. That'll keep the horny, drunk and mislead criminals honest....

We may not even be getting the whole story, I wonder of the poster paid the local "cute boy" in any way....were drugs involved? It just is such blatant I could of, I should of, would of story....

Gang-rape ballad

You see her, you see her dancing there
And the way her tits move
The way her hips move
The way she throws her hair
She's dancing, she's prancing, she's prowling
She's wanting, she wants it
Just look at her
She's so hot
She's so not
What you're used to
What a hot chick
And your dick
Is getting stiff by now
So she's a woman , isn't she?
So she's made for fucking
Made to have me drill her
For me to spill her
She's made to be fucked, made to be taken
Made to have a dick up that ass that she's shaking
And damn, I want her, I want her so
And she
She's saying no, the slut
How dare she
How dare she make you hot
You'll show her
exactly
how hard she
has made you
You'll show her
You'll show her now
She's so drunk
She's helpless
why is she drinking then?
She just wants that
so she has some excuse for
fucking around and everyone knows that
That's why they do it


So she's saying no and begging and pleading and weeping
So what?
Hey gosh, she's a woman so-
She' s saying yes, when she's saying no
They're ununderstandable
Not understandable, I mean
Their minds are not our minds
They're lady minds, lady brains
She's just pretending, coz really she wants it
really she craves it, really she needs it
And man, her body is crying sex, don't you see it
I know better what she wants than she knows herself
so her will should be my will, don't you see?
She looks like an easy fuck
So she should be an easy fuck
I overpower her, I have the power here and god, it turns me so fucking much on
Unzipping my pants now and taking my cock out
Turns me so fucking on to be holding her down
and force me inside her
and force her to scream
she has nowhere to go and i'm filling her up
and I am hearing her sobbing in agony, man
and now thats my dick
it's my dick, chick
and slut I am shoving it right into you


And anyway- she's woman
So she don't care about sex, doesn't care about it
Not meant to want it, she 's meant to be taken
So why even ask her?
I should be just taking her
What if she's crying, why should I care
I can do whatever the fuck I want, I can
and you can't, take that,now, no really, take that
I want her, I need this
Need this fuck, want to take her, want to shake her
Want to hurt her
She's gasping, she's hurting
She likes the pain, I know she wants it, I know she needs that
If she wouldn't, she'd fight you, she'd fight you real time,
not plead like this, not squirm like this, not sob like this
She wants her cock
My awesome cock, who likes the fuck
She stops struggling
She goes all limb
and I fuck her
coz I want her
She should be happy I want her
She should be begging I want her
and she should stop weeping
because she's making me hurt her
She's making me wanting to kill her
and drill her and tear her and wear her out and


So- what if she don't want it
What should I care
What is she doing here anyway
why is she out
why is she sexy
and why is she so fucking damn confident
why is she making me
feel so inadequate
and anyway
if i want it
she should want it
and she shouldn't complain
She's fucking guys
So she should just let me fuck her
I'm a guy, no?
I have a cock, no?
I know how to use it, don't I?
Don't you dare say no
Don't you
I hit you, I beat you; I break you
I rape you
I fuck you
And so what if she's weeping
and breaking
and shaking
and bleeding
and bruising
and never be able to
let go
to make
it, make it go away
she'll try to wash it off
but it won't come off
she'll cry and try
to be someone again
to get on to be strong
but she'll weep when she sleeps
and she'll be hurting so fucking damn much
What if she's humiliated and what if
I take her free will
her humanity
she never had that anyway
She's an animal, an animal
she never had no dignity
She's a slut
She's no human
She's a creature
a thing
and my object
that i should
and I will
project on
as I will
Fuck it
Fuck her
I rape her
I tear her


I am done now
and I call my friends and my cousin
coz they should be really getting their share
get their share of her
coz they're deserving that fuck
And what are those woman anyway?
How dare they be hot
how dare they turn on and turn down and do
just what they fuck they want, how can
they hurt you so
how can they play you so
how can they trick you so
You tried to be nice, didn't you
but they don't deserve it
You don't give them power, you give them the cock
you hold them down and fuck them
coz they ought to be fucked
they ought to be screwed
So they're fucking her now
and you brought her, you know
you gave them that treat
you gave them that sweet
chick, sweet pussy, sweet thing
to dump their load in
Man, this is so bonding
coz we are the men
like the guys you know, in the jungle
We're this really cool gang and we're having some fun
Having some fun with her
fucking and bruising her
groping and hurting her
making her feel some pain
And so what if she's hurting
So what if she's tearing
apart, so what if she's breaking
and her world
so what if it shatters
You're a man
You're the man
and you're spreading your seed
like you should
you'd be spreading that seed
and she takes it
takes that seed like she should


And they're done with her
Not looking so hot now, is she
that puffy face
and that bloodied body
and the sperm thats running down on her
You're not feeling so hot now, now do you?
You got what you wanted
You got what you asked for
Why did you shake that ass anway
why did you make me horny
make me fuck you
why were you
why were you born
why born a woman
and why not a man
you should be a man and you
should do the fucking
not get fucked
but that's really too bad for you


So we're standing up
and pulling our jeans up
and zipping our pants shut
and you lying there on the floor
you're fucking gone aren't you
you're so fucking dirty
such a dirty whore
dirty slut
dirty beast
got what you wanted
don't dare to complain
Don't even think about calling the cops
They won't believe you
a thing
Say you wanted it
Asked for it
They'll ask, Why are you out here
and boozing
and oozing
sex-appeal
It's your fault
You're too beautiful you know
They just couldn't resist you
You didn't say no
in the right way
You said no, but not like you should, know that
And then with a skirt that says yes like this one does that
You can't say no
Can't say no anyway
You didn't know?
You know now
You now know that you really
did that to yourself
You know that some girls
just ask for it so hard
you should be more careful
and really you should be
protecting yourself
Don't be so respectless with your body now
If you don't respect yourself
How can they respect you
And how can you dare
How could you, how can you
They are going to blame you
And shame you
And tear you
even more apart than this already teared you
So you just shut that mouth, like you should
now, why won't you
They'll say you are lying
They'll say you are crying rape coz
They'll say you just regret it
Regret going out and fucking the guys
Coz women are like that
they fuck, then regret it
and they ruin the guys and cry rape all the time
They'll say that you made it all up
Filthy liar
you're a whore
and a liar
And you ruin their lives
The poor boys you know
They're just boys you know
And boys will be boys you know
And why are you such a ho?
Just don't shake your ass like that
You should have known better
And whatever
Who cares about you anyway?
And why should we?
You know you
You dont carry your money
around you
and parade it
that you have it
So you dont carry your tits
around you like that
and you don't parade it like that
that you got it
and you don't just go out when you
want to be safe
and you don't drink stupid girl
you should know that
it makes you get raped
They'll say you were flirting
and flirting leads to that
it's just how it works
now don't be so naive
If you take it out there
Well, people will take it
Men's brains work like that
If you flirt you really say yes to a fuck
How can you not know that you dumb little slut
Be happy you didn't get killed
you were not being safe
you were dumb little girl


And we're the cool guys, the cool gang
We're petting our backs, we're laughing and
smirking
laughing at you
I love my bros man
I love us so much when we're awesome like this man
When we show em
When we get ours, when we get it
Get it good, get it here
like we should
And now let's get the fuck home
Dunno
let's have some beer

Everything that follows are the actual conversations I had with the police and my would-be rapist. I have shortened it dramatically (it really took around 4 hours alltogether), I have simplified it for artistic and other reasons, I might not remember everything as it was exactly and it is not the actual wording. For a start their English on these transcrips is much better.

-It's because you are so beautiful, you know

-So- What happened?
- This guy tried to rape me.
I had sex with his cousin and when I came back from the bathroom, this other guy was lying on my bed and then tried to force me to have sex with him.
So you had had sex?
Yes, with the cousin.
Did you want to have sex with him?
Yes, but that's not what I am talking about.
So you had sex?
Yes
Are you in love with him?
No
You wanted the sex?
Yes
So.- what is the problem?
The other guy. I am talking about the other guy. I didn't want to have sex with him. Just because I have sex with one guy, doesn't mean I want to have sex with anyone. I tried to push him out of the room. He refused. He threatened me with the police. He grabbed my wrists. He tried to force me. I was crying and pleading and he wouldn't let go. The only thing that made him stop was my friends coming back.
So nothing happened?
Well, he didn' actually managed to rape me. He fled. But he tried to. He didn't stop out of his own free will.
Yes, but really nothing happened. So it's not a bad crime. He didn't fuck you, did he? That would have been a bad crime. If had fucked you- If he would have pushed you on the bed and fucked you- that would be serious. This is not serious. There are not even marks on your wrists.
Stop looking at me like you want to fuck me. I am in a room with 3 guys. A small room. And stop looking at me like you want to fuck me so hard.
But he tried. He tried to. He attempted to rape me. He did not stop voluntary. He fled only because my friends came back. So yes, something happened.
Well, I don't know. What are we supposed to do?
I don't know. What you do in those cases. You must have a law. Like, go and arrest him for a start.
Oh, we don't have time. Maybe tomorrow. Just stay here and wait.
I can't. I have a flight from Bangkok.
Well, we don't have time today. You have to stay here.
(starting to sob)
Oh, yes, maybe, we can go and get him. So- what do you want of him? Money? We can also make this procedure where we take away the bad spirits.
He is the bad spirit. This is ridiculous. And no, I don't want money, I don't care. I want him to be punished. I want him to never ever do that again.
So we get him
We talked to him. He says, he thought you were easy.
He surely didn't think I was easy, when I yelled at him and pushed him and cried, did he?
Well, he thought that. He admits to everything, but because he thought you were willing. He apologizes. You have to talk to him, so he can apologize in person.
I don't want to. I am not accepting the apology.
You have to speak to him.
I do not want to. And i will never accept his apologies.
Ok, so we have to ask you to come outside.

Outside. Chorus of 40 or so Asian men, lounging around the police station, in the grass. I am a bad soap actress.
I am sorry.
I don't care.
I am sorry. I never did this before. I am sorry.
I heard other stories. I heard you attacked other girls.
That wasn't me, it was someone else. It was my first time. I was drunk.
I don't care.
Are you accepting my apologies?
No
What are we supposed to do then?
Why do I have to tell you? Why don't you know that? Why do I have to decide that? I can't.
You have to. You can ask for money. 300 000 kip.
That's ridiculous. That money is nothing for him. And it won't even hurt him.
Then you have stay here and go to Luang Prabang for a trial. We can get him into jail for 1 ½ years. You have to stay 10 days at least.
I am not staying.
So- what are we supposed to do?
I don't know. Why should I decide.
You have to.
I can't.
You have to.
I can't. I can't. I can't
because I just want to run away. It doesn't matter. He doesn't matter. Nothing matters. I dont want to be here. I don't want to see him. Not now. Not ever. I want to walk away and never look back.

I am now on the ground, in that corner, crying and nobody approaches me. Nobody knows what to do with me.
-You don't just walk around and fuck Laos guys.
What. WHAT?
I am falling.
I am falling.
I am tearing apart.
-So you take the money.
-Yes.

TRIAL.and now look closely: here's the magic conjuring trick.
So we are here to try these criminal offences.
HIM for trying to rape me.
His cousin for having consensual sex with me, a foreigner.
Me for having consensual sex with a Laos guy.
What? I am accused?
Ah yes. It is criminal to have sex as a foreigner with someone from Laos.
HIM: You don't just go around and have sex with Laos guys
So you don't just have sex. It's a different culture. It's not good.
Ok, I get it.
It's the law here, it's different. You don't just have sex. Maybe you marry and then you have sex.
I GET it.
You don't just have sex with anyone.
I get it.
Sign here.
No, I am not signing and incriminating myself. I am dropping the charges.
Petting on their shoulders. Happy faces. General exhilaration.
And I have lost my face. If I were a Samurai I would stick a sword in my belly. I have lost my face. And my dignity. And my humanity
because I have sex
and because I have sex, anyone can try and force me to have sex with them and go unpunished.
And CURTAIN.

- - -

Sie läuft die Straße hinunter und Schnee knirscht unter ihren Stiefeln und Schnee fällt vom Himmel, wirbelt in ihr Gesicht und treibt Tränen in ihre Augen. Ein eisiger Wind zerrt an ihrer Kapuze und sie zieht sie enger und beschleunigt ihre Schritte. Sie wünscht, sie könnte etwas fühlen. Sie wünscht, dass da etwas wäre, Ekel, Wut, Hass, Trauer, ein Gefühl, dass sie benennen könnte, aber da ist nichts.
Sie zwingt sein Bild in ihren Kopf, sie denkt an den lächerlich kleinen, schmalen Körper, dem sie nichts entgegenzusetzen hatte, an die schwarzen, platt auf dem Kopf aufliegenden Haare, der Mund mit den schiefen Zähnen und wie zutiefst widerlich alles war, was aus diesem Mund kam.
Aber da ist nichts. Sie wünscht ihm nichts Böses, keine Strafe, nichts wie Gerechtigkeit, weil sie weiß, dass es sie nicht geben kann und sie weiß, dass nichts es ungeschehen machen kann. Nichts kann es wegnehmen. Vielleicht wünscht sie sich am ehesten, dass er nie geboren worden wäre. Dass sich ihre Wege nie gekreuzt hätten.
Aber da ist dieser seltsame Gedanke, dass es dann jemand anderes gewesen wäre, dass es passieren musste und dass... dass sie es darauf angelegt hat, dass es passiert. Jedes Mal, wenn sie mit Typen mitgegangen ist, die sie nicht kannte oder sich in die Bewusstlosigkeit getrunken hat oder wenn sie wieder eine dunkle Straße ganz allein hinabgelaufen oder mit einem Fremden ins Auto gestiegen ist. Als ob sie die Welt herausgefordert hätte, endlich ihre hässliche Fratze zu offenbaren, als ob sie dem nie getraut hätte, diesem immer irgendie OK sein und unangetastet. Sie wünscht sich, dass es ein grenzenloses Vertrauen in die Welt war und vielleicht war es das auch, das und aber auch die Gewissheit, dass was passieren muss, passiert und dass man nichts dagegen tun kann.
Und dann als es passierte, war es nicht, weil sie leichtsinnig gewesen war und etwas tat, von dem sie wusste, dass es sie in Gefahr bringen könnte und das überraschte sie, aber es entlastet sie auch.
Der Schnee fällt jetzt leichter und sie läuft noch immer und sie spürt dieses flaue Gefühl und sie weiß, wie schnell ihr Herz jetzt rasen muss, weil sie Angst hat, so verdammte Angst, die dunkle Straße alleine hinabzulaufen und es kann nicht Ok sein, wenn sie solche Angst hat. Nicht wenn sie früher immer so stolz die Straße hinabgeschritten ist und wusste, dass nichts passieren würde und wenn doch, dass sie vorbereitet ist und kämpfen wird. Sie hatte immer diese Vorstellung, dass sie jeden töten würde, der sie zu brechen versuchen würde, dass sie ihn aufspüren würde und töten. Sie dachte immer, sie würde zornig sein. Beinahe muss sie laut auflachen. Sie ist nicht zornig, nicht da und auch jetzt nicht und vorbereitet gewesen ist sie auch nicht, gar nicht und sie konnte nichts tun. Sie konnte nichts tun.
Sie zwingt ihre Gedanken zu der Nacht zurückzukehren, ein weiteres Mal. Sie geht andauernd zurück zu der Nacht und hofft, dass sie etwas fühlen wird diesmal (und manchmal tut sie das, manchmal weint sie) und dass sie sich erinnert. Sie muss sich an das Gefühl erinnern, damit es aufhört surreal zu sein, wie ein böser Traum, der doch keine Bedeutung haben kann. Wenn sie es schafft, das Gefühl zurückzuholen, sich zu erinnern, dann wird sie auch etwas fühlen, etwas authentisches fühlen.
Denn vielleicht ist das das Unerträglichste. Dass sie nicht weiß, was sie wirklich fühlt oder denkt oder ob sie nicht nur fühlt, was sie denkt sie müsse es fühlen. Denkt, was sie denkt sie müsse es denken. Dass sie manchmal denkt, sie zwinge sich in das Trauma, weil es so sein müsse.
Manchmal ist sie davon überzeugt, dass die Polizei in Laos recht hatte und dass doch gar nichts passiert sei. Dass sie recht hatten, als sie nicht begreifen konnten, dass sie etwas Schlimmes erlebt hatte.
Sie geht also ein weiteres Mal zurück zu der Nacht, um zu beweisen, dass sie unrecht hat. Sie geht zu dem Moment zurück, als diese schleichende Unruhe und dieses Gefühl, dass etwas nicht stimmt und etwas Schlimmes passieren würde zu einer Gewissheit wurde. Als die Welt einen Riss bekam.
Wenn sie sich nur erinnern könnte, wann genau es gewesen ist, wenn sie nicht so besoffen und bekifft gewesen wäre und sich erinnern würde, wann genau sie das Handtuch verloren hat, als sie zaghaft, zu verdammt zaghaft versucht hat, ihn aus ihrem Zimmer zu schmeißen. Wann sie nackt war und ob er genau dann ihre Handgelenke gepackt hat und ob es genau dann war, in diesem Moment, dass die Welt zerriss und etwas so unendlich Schweres sich auf sie senkte, dass sie später auf den Boden sank und nicht mehr aufstehen konnte. Oder das Bild vom Spiegel, das sie gebraucht hat, ein Spiegel der von oben nach unten zerspringt und dann in tausend Teile zerbrochen auf dem Boden verteilt liegt. Etwas zerbricht in diesem Moment, etwas fällt in ihr, fällt aus ihr, verlässt sie für immer.
Sie erinnert sich, dass sie gedacht hat, dass das nicht sein kann, dass es nicht passieren kann, dass es unmöglich ist, ein böser Traum, ein böser Traum sein muss. Es ist so entsetzlich surreal. Es gleicht ihrenen Alpträumen so fürchterlich. Und ja, vielleicht dachte sie immer, dass es irgendwann passieren würde, aber in echt war sie sich sicher, dass es nicht so sein würde. Sie wusste immer, dass sie OK sein würde.
Aber hier ist sie und es ist nichts OK, gar nichts ist OK, sie ist nackt und er hält sie fest und er wird ihr etwas Böses antun, er wird ihr das Schlimmste antun und sie ist so hilflos, so unendlich hilflos, ihre Welt zerbricht, ihre ganze Welt zerbricht und woher soll sie die Kraft nehmen, wenn sie doch alle Kraft braucht nicht selbst zu zerbrechen und zu Boden zu sinken; wenn sie nur mehr Kraft hat zu stehen und ihn von sich weg zu halten, weg von ihrer Nacktheit, ihrer Blöße, ihrem Körper. Sie muss ihn weit weg von sich halten, weil es unerträglich wäre, wenn er sie berührte, sie muss ihren Körper schützen vor ihm, vor seine schmutzigen, widerlichen Händen, vor seinem Zugriff. Aber sie weiß immer noch nicht, wie sie es geschafft hat ihn von sich zu halten, weil sie keine Kraft hatte. Wie in den Albträumen, die sie hatte, wo sie kraftlos war und nicht schreien konnte und nicht schlagen und nicht weglaufen. Genau so ist es und deswegen muss es ein Traum sein.
Und alles was sie tut ist zu weinen, zu winseln, zu betteln, dass er geht, dass er ihr Zimmer verlässt. Aber er geht nicht, er lässt sie nicht los. Sie ist ein Lamm, klein und unschuldig und hilflos und so unendlich ohnmächtig und sie bettelt um ihr Leben und er muss doch sehen, dass sie unschuldig ist und rein und hilflos und ein Lamm und er muss sich doch erbarmen. Sie fleht den Wolf an, sie nicht anzufallen, weil sie nicht glauben kann, nicht glauben will, es nicht aushalten würde zu wissen, dass er ein Wolf ist. Und er lässt sie nicht los und sie weiß nicht, wie sie das aushalten kann, nein, sie weiß, dass sie es nicht aushalten kann, sie weiß, dass es das ist, was alle Kraft aus ihr zieht, sie weiß, dass sie nicht mehr lange Widerstand leisten kann gegen so viel Dunkel.
Und dann ist da dieser Gedanke, dieser klare Gedanke ihres Über-Ichs, das immer genau weiß, was sie tun muss und sie denkt: Du muss jetzt schreien, du muss jetzt kämpfen.
Und dann- ist es in genau diesem Moment gewesen? Ist danach wirklich nichts mehr gewesen? Hat er sie wirklich niemals angefasst? Wie lange seitdem er sie gepackt hat? Es müssen Sekunden gewesen sein, aber wieviele waren es? Und ist er sofort losgerannt, hat er sofort losgelassen, als sie geklopft haben? Haben sie zuerst geklopft und dann erst immer lauter gerufen oder haben sie sofort geschrien? Und wie konnten sie sie hören, wenn sie doch nicht schreien konnte?
Sie weiß nur, dass dann ihre Freunde klopfen und sie retten und dass er dann weggelaufen sein muss, denn sie liegt auf dem Boden, nackt, allein und sie heult und sie hämmern gegen die Tür und rufen und sie weiß, dass sie aufstehen muss. Sie muss aufstehen und die Tür öffnen, damit sie wissen, dass sie Ok ist, aber sie kann nicht, sie kann nicht. Sie kann nicht aufstehen. Sie liegt auf dem Boden und heult und das ist alles, was sie tun kann.
Dann hört sie Schritte auf der Verandah und sie muss davor den Sarong über sich gezogen haben. Und dann ist Stefan da und er fragt die ganze Zeit, ob er ihr weh getan habe und sie weiß nicht, was sie antworten soll, weil sie sagen will, ja, er hat mir wehgetan, aber gleichzeitig weiß sie, dass er ja eigentlich fragten will, ob er sie vergewaltigt hat und das hat er ja nicht. Und sie denkt nur, wieso kannst du nicht fragen: Hat er dich vergewaltigt? Und dann könnte sie sagen, er hat es versucht. Stattdessen fragt er in einem fort, ob er ihr weh getan hat und irgenwann würgt sie selbst die Worte hervor, nein, dass er sie nicht vergewaltigt habe, ja, dass er ihr wehgetan habe, weil er es versucht hat. Er hat versucht sie zu brechen.
Sie erinnert sich, wie er dann aus dem Bad herauskam, ER und dass sie sich so wünschte, ihre Freunde würden ihn zusammenschlagen oder sie würde es tun, aber sie weiß, dass sie das nicht im Inneren gewünscht hat, sondern dass sie im Inneren nur in Scherben war und dass alles so dunkel war und dass sie nicht mehr konnte. In ihr war kein Platz gewesen für Wut oder Rachegefühle, sie fühlte sich nur verpflichtet das zu denken. Und ja, sie wünschte, dass sie ihn zusammenschlagen, aber nicht, damit er Schmerz erleidet, sondern damit sie merkt, dass sie fühlen für sie, wenn sie nicht fühlen kann, dass sie sie beschützen, dass sie soviel für sie fühlen, dass sie alles kaputt machen, was sie kaputt machen will.
Und dann konnte sie nicht mehr und hat sich auf den Balkon gesetzt und noch gedacht, ob sie springen soll, auf diese seltsame Weise gedacht, völlig emotionslos, völlig von sich gelöst. Und dann holt das Dunkel sie ein und sie heult,, gibt sich dem Dunkel hin und irgendwann war Sfefan da und hat sie gehalten. Und danach ist sie stark gewesen.
Und jetzt wo sie an der Haustür angelangt ist und die Tür aufschließt und den Schnee von den Schuhen abklopft- jetzt wünscht sie sich, dass sie nicht hätte stark sein müssen. Dass sie hätte heulen können, bis keine Tränen mehr dagewesen wären und sich zusammenkrümmen in ihrem Bett, dass jemand sie gehalten hätte und gesagt, alles wird gut und sie bei der Hand genommen hätte und bei ihr gewesen.
Aber da war niemand, da war nur sie und alles was sie tun konnte, war stark sein und sich zu sagen, dass doch gar nichts war, dass nichts passiert ist und es dann zu hören von der Polizei, bis sie es selbst glaubte (und überhaupt die Polizei- was für ein surreales, absurdes Theater) und was sie jetzt so unerträglich findet.
Nein, sie weiß, dass etwas war, weiß dass etwas unerträglich schlimmes ,unerträglich böses war. aber es kommt tatsächlich nicht zurück. Egal was sie tut, sie kann es nur von außen beschreiben, aber nicht fühlen, erfühlen, als wäre es nicht gewesen, gar nicht sie gewesen. Ich gewesen. Als wäre es nur ein böser Traum.